


New Heart

by benmitchells



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-11-02 08:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20679731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benmitchells/pseuds/benmitchells
Summary: “Pride next week, ain’t it?” Mick asks – completely unprompted – while pouring a pint. He’s trying to be nonchalant about the question, to not make a big deal out of it. It’s not working. “You doing anything?”ORIt's the first Pride since Callum has come out, and he isn't really sure if he's ready to go or not.





	New Heart

**Author's Note:**

> i'm terrible at summaries lmao but someone sent me anon on tumblr that asked me to talk about callum being comfortable enough in the future to be able to go to pride with ben as his boyfriend. this is not exactly that, but i hope they (and you!) enjoy it anyway <3
> 
> also this is my first time writing eastenders fic (which is not a sentence i ever thought it'd say lmao) so go easy on me!

“Like a snake, my heart  
has shed its skin.  
I hold it there in my hand,  
full of honey and wounds.”

– _New Heart,_ Federico García Lorca

It’s Tina that convinces him to go.

Callum hadn’t been expecting the topic to come up, hadn’t been ready for it; they had just been talking over the bar in The Vic, him, Mick and Shirley, catching up after what felt like months of barely seeing each other. He doesn’t even notice Tina show up, but at some point she’s there, leaning next to him, joining the conversation. Not that he minds – he’d missed her. He’d missed them all.

The conversation had been constantly shifting from one thing to the next – Mick’s anxiety, how Ollie’s getting on at school, Shirley and Tina’s trip to Italy last year – so Callum knew it would circle around to him eventually. But he had been expecting simple questions about what he’s been up to, how work was, maybe how things are going with Ben. Not this.

“Pride next week, ain’t it?” Mick asks – completely unprompted – while pouring a pint. He’s trying to be nonchalant about the question, to not make a big deal out of it. It’s not working. “You doing anything?”

“Nah.” Callum tells him, wiping condensation off his glass. The question had thrown him off kilter, but he’s trying to be better about talking about this stuff, to not clam up so much. It’s still hard, but he’s trying. “Ben is though. Going to the Parade in the city, I think.”

Shirley stands up straighter at that, her face pinching. “What, and he’s not taking you with him?”

“No- no it’s not that, it’s- he _wants_ me to go with him, but I just-” Callum’s words trail off, not really sure what to say, how to explain himself, “I dunno.”

It’s just a lot, is all. Callum doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle being at Pride. He thinks it might overwhelm him, especially after everything that’s happened over the past year. After what happened when he went to Pride last year. He just- he isn’t sure. Even with all Ben’s assurances and gentle encouragement, he still isn’t sure he really wants to go. And that’s reason enough for him to not go as far as he’s concerned. He doesn’t want to go, end up hating it, and risk ruining Ben’s day with all of his issues; Ben deserves to have fun and enjoy himself more than anyone. He shouldn’t have spend his day worrying about Callum.

Tina nudges him slightly, lowering her head so she can look him in the eyes almost like she can sense what’s going on in his head. She smiles at him, and when she speaks, it’s full of understanding. “You should go.”

All three of them are looking at Callum now, waiting for him to say something. He laughs nervously, shrugging. “I went last year.”

She nudges him again. “Yeah but it’s different when you’re out.”

“You sound like Ben.”

“Ben knows what he’s talking about.”

Shirley scoffs. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“What I mean is,” Tina continues, shooting Shirley a look, “it’s not the same as last year, is it? Things are different. _You’re_ different. It’ll be like, a whole new experience y’know? You’re not on the outside looking in anymore. It’s like a whole new world.”

“Alright, Aladdin.” Shirley quips, but she’s smiling.

“It’s true! God, _especially_ if you’re going to the Parade. The atmosphere is something else, I tell ya.” She makes a face, her mouth pulling down. “I wish I wasn’t working, I’d love to go.”

“Go, then.” Callum offers, desperate for a way out of this conversation. “I can cover you at The Albert, if you want.”

Tina looks scandalized by the idea. “What and have you missing your first Pride? No chance.”

“I’m not going anyway, so-”

“You should go.”

“There’s always next year.”

“Yeah but-”

“Leave it out, Teen,” Mick interrupts, coming back from serving someone at the other end of the bar, “if he says he don’t wanna go, he don’t wanna go.”

“_Yeah_,” she says, glaring at Mick, “but like… not going because you don’t feel ready, that’s one thing. But not going because you think you can’t go or you shouldn’t go or- because you’re worried you’re gonna burst into tears in the middle of Trafalgar Square, then that’s something else, ain’t it? That’s just normal Pride stuff, I promise you.” She’s squeezing his arm, looking right at him. “But then you get there and it’s like… I don’t know. I can’t describe it. But it’s good, y’know? It’s important.”

Shirley makes an scoffing noise, then walks off to start serving now the pub is filling up a bit. Tina, though, completely ignores her, and takes Callum’s face between her hands, forcing him to look right at her as she speaks.

“Go to Pride, Callum. Wrap a rainbow flag around your shoulders and let a stranger cover you in glitter. Be overwhelmed. Cry in the middle of Trafalgar Square. Kiss your boyfriend in the street for everyone to see.” She taps his cheek. “Just don’t drink from any open containers and you’ll be alright.”

Her earnestness shines through, despite the joke she tacks on to the end. Callum feels himself falling into it, desperate for some kind of guidance, for someone to tell him how to do this, because he doesn’t know.

“I don’t want to ruin his day.” He confesses, quietly, so no one other than Tina can hear. As soon as the words leave his mouth she laughs, but it’s kind laughter.

“You won’t.” She tells him, just as kindly. “Ben will get it, Callum, he will. He’ll understand. Don’t forget he’s been where you are now.” Her smile widens. “And it’s not just his day, is it? It’s your day too now. A day for _you_ to be proud and have a good time. Don’t forget that, either.”

It’s too much. Callum wishes he could look away, hide the way his eyes are starting to well up but Tina’s hold on him is solid. She just continues to smile at him. Like she gets it.

“Have a good time, yeah?” She tells him, letting him go only to lean over and press a quick kiss to his cheek. Then she disappears off somewhere behind him, leaving Callum standing there alone. He feels raw, now; vulnerable. Like everyone can see just what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling. But when he looks around the pub, no one is paying him any mind – not even Mick or Shirley, too distracted with the steady stream of customers at the bar. He’s glad. He’s really glad.

Callum swallows around the lump in his throat, takes a breath. Tries to get himself together.

Makes up his mind.

Ben gets surprisingly emotional when Callum tells him about his conversation with Tina; his eyes intent on Callum as he speaks, quietly listening to his every word. When Callum’s done, Ben pulls him into his arms, gentle but firm, and tells him that he’s sorry.

“What’ve you got to be sorry for?” Callum asks, wrapping his arms around Ben’s waist. It feels good, to hold Ben. To be able to hold Ben.

“For not realizing. I should’ve. I should’ve known you might be feeling like this.”

“How? You’re not psychic, Ben.”

“No but I still should’ve realized.” Ben sighs, one hand rhythmically rubbing up and down Callum’s back. “I’m just sorry, that’s all.” He pulls back just enough to look him in the eye. “And you know if you change your mind between then and now, it’s fine yeah? Or if we go and it gets too much and you need to leave or- take a break or come home we will, alright? No questions asked.”

“But-”

“No buts. Whatever you need, Callum.” Ben says, insistent. “Pride can be overwhelming, even for me. So you need to tell me if it gets too much for you, or… whatever else is going on in there.” He gestures to his head. “Because if you don’t tell me I can’t look after you, can I?”

Callum pulls back a little more, frowning. “I don’t need looking after.”

Ben pulls him back in, not letting him get too far. “I know you’re a big boy and you can look after yourself,” the smile on his face is teasing; Callum can feel himself start to flush, “but that don’t mean I can’t do it anyway, does it?”

Forget Pride – the way Ben’s looking at him __now __is making him feel overwhelmed; his fingers playing with the collar of his shirt, the two of them swaying together slightly. Callum lowers his eyes, lick his lips.

“I just don’t want to ruin your day.” Ben is quick to correct him.

“It’s not my day. It’s not the Ben Pride Parade, is it? Although that does have a nice ring to it.” Callum laughs even though it’s a terrible joke, and Ben just smiles at him, his fingers gently playing with one of his ears now. “It’s just as much your day now, Callum.” He tells him, voice quiet and just as earnest as Tina’s had been. “And I want you to enjoy it. Have a good time. I don’t want you stressing out and being uncomfortable but not saying anything because you don’t want to ruin Pride for _me_. Because I’ve been to loads of Prides, I’ve seen it all before – I’d much rather you be happy and comfortable than be worrying about me.” His hand slips to the back of Callum’s skull, cradling it. “I don’t want you to have bad memories of your first proper Pride, Callum. And if that means we just go and walk around for five minutes and then come home, then that’s what we’ll do, yeah?”

“But-”

“No _buts_, Callum.”

“But Pride’s important to you.” Callum continues, ignoring him. He feels stupid and childish, having to have everyone reassuring him all the time, to have Ben changing his plans for him. It’s not fair. “I know it is, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from you.”

Ben’s smile turns into a frown. Callum’s stomach drops.

“What exactly would you be taking away from me?” Ben asks, his voice serious now. “The Parade, all the parties – that’s a celebration of Pride. That’s not what Pride _is_. This,” and he reaches behind his back, pulling Callum’s hands away from him so he can hold them between his own hands, “this is Pride. You coming out to Stuart and your dad knowing full well what kind of blokes they are, _that_ was Pride. Us being here, separately and together, despite everything – _that’s_ what Pride is, Callum.” Ben stares up at him, bright eyes burning with something Callum’s never seen. “So how could you possibly take that away from me?”

At a loss for words, Callum can do nothing but pull Ben back towards him. Their arms immediately wrap back around each other, Ben hand going back to rubbing up and down Callum’s back. He hides his face in Ben’s shoulder, willing himself not to cry again.

“And anyway,” Ben says after a few minutes of their silent, gentle swaying, “whatever happens, it’s not like it could be any worse than last year, is it?”

Callum huffs, the sound of it wet. “Don’t jinx it.”

“Touch wood.” One of Ben’s hands comes up to gently tap against his own head. “But as long as we leave your brother at home, I think we’ll be alright.”

Callum never thought he’d be able to laugh about what happened last year, but here he is, stood in Ben’s arms.

Laughing.

It starts before they even get off the Tube – people get on the train with them, more and more at every station, all clearly out for the same reason they are. Some are completely kitted out with flags and make-up and t-shirts and face paint, while others are quieter about it – a pin, or a wristband, or just the way they’re looking around the carriage in fascinated delight.

Callum wonders if he looks the same.

There’s nothing to give him and Ben away, apart from maybe each other. But they’re not touching; Ben told him that he wouldn’t, not today, not unless Callum initiated it first, and he’s stuck to it ever since they left Walford. Still, he’s a solid, comforting presence next to Callum at all times – even when Ben gets up and moves to stand in front of Callum so he can let a little girl have his seat.

“I like your face paint.” He tells her once she’s sat down. She has two rainbows painted on her face, one on each cheek, and she smiles shyly at the compliment. “Did you do them yourself?”

“Mummy done them for me.” She looks up at a her mum who’s stood close by, watching them. She has matching rainbows.

“She did a very good job.”

“Thank you.” She says, still smiling. “We’re going to the Pride Parade!”

“Are you?” Ben asks, matching her level of enthusiasm. Callum finds himself smiling as he watches him. You’d never think it looking at him, but he’s so good with kids – all kids, too, not just Lexi. “That sounds like fun. Have you been before, or is this your first time?”

And Callum catches it, the fact that he doesn’t say that that’s where they’re going too. Ben could have so easily told this little girl – who clearly isn’t a threat in any way, shape or form – that they were going to the Parade too, but he didn’t. He didn’t out of respect for Callum.

Callum looks down at his lap.

“I’ve been before, but I can’t remember the last time I went because I was only little, so this time my mum has borrowed my granddad’s camera and promised we’ll take loads of pictures so I won’t forget this time!”

“Sorry, she’s very excited.” The girl’s mum says, approaching them with an apologetic smile. “She hasn’t stopped all morning. It’s a miracle she sat still long enough to let me paint those rainbows on her cheeks, honestly.” Ben laughs politely.

“No, it’s no problem; I have a daughter about her age.”

“Ah, you’re used to it then.”

“Yeah, she-”

“Is she going to the Pride Parade too?” The little girl interrupts, looking up at Ben and her mum with big, curious eyes.

“Millie! You can’t just-”

“Not this year, but maybe next year I’ll take her.” Ben he tells her with a smile, unfazed, then turns back to the mum. “I just worry about the crowds. I’d be scared of losing her or something.”

She offers him some advice about how she deals with kids among the crowds, all of which Ben listens to carefully, and they continue to chat, from there – Callum stays quiet, but every so often Ben’s gaze will flick back to him, making sure he’s alright. He is. Listening to the two of them talk about childcare has provided a welcomed distraction.

Millie and her mum get off the train a few stops before Ben and Callum’s stop, the little girl waving goodbye enthusiastically before disappearing from view through the doors. Ben sits back down in his seat, then turns towards Callum.

“Maybe I will bring Lexi next year.” He starts; he looks like he’s thinking, his eyes not really focused on Callum. “I’ve thought about bringing her before, y’know, but Lola thought she was too young- not because it’s Pride, but because she gets funny about crowds. I think it’s rubbing off on me though, ‘cause now I’ve started worrying she’ll end up squashed or hurt or something, with all them people.” His eyes zone in on Callum. He seems embarrassed, suddenly. “That sounds stupid, don’t it?”

“No it doesn’t.” Callum can’t quite keep the smile off his face. “You should bring her, next year. She’s a clever girl, it’s not like she’d wander off or anything. And I’m sure she’d love getting all dressed up and that; seeing everyone else all dressed up.”

“Maybe.” Ben looks up at the Tube map to see where they are. “How are you doing?”

He’s checking up on him. He’s trying to not make a big deal out of it, but he’s definitely checking up on him. Callum would laugh if he didn’t think it was so sweet. “I’m alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You sure?” Callum gives him a look. “I’m just making sure.” A beat of silence. “You will tell me if-”

“_Yes_, Ben.”

“Alright, alright.” Ben holds his hands up, pacifying, but there’s a smile on his face.

There’s one on Callum’s too.

The two of them get off the train a few minutes later, as do most of the other passengers. Callum can feel Ben’s eyes on him as they navigate their way through the station, but other than that there’s nothing. He doesn’t touch him, doesn’t say a word.

They lose each other briefly among the crowds of people; Callum feels panic start to seize him when he realizes he can’t see Ben anywhere, that he’s all alone. But then Ben is back by his side, appearing out of nowhere with a tut and an eye roll. The relief is instant.

“Never mind Lexi; it’s you I should be worried about.” He says as they get onto the escalator, Ben two steps ahead of Callum. He points at him and makes his face comically stern as he says, “No more wandering off, you hear me? Or you’ll have to hold my hand.” Callum tries to laugh, but it doesn’t quite come out right. Ben notices, but he’s forced to look away as they approach the top of the escalator.

You can hear the noise from the street before you even reach street level, and as soon as the two of them reach the top of the escalator, Callum’s floored by how busy and bright the street looks through the open doorways. It’s packed out there. Callum’s body involuntarily starts to stiffen once he realizes he’s really here, that this is really happening. When Ben notices, he wordlessly guides him out of the way of the people behind them, but otherwise makes no other move. He waits for him.

“We can turn around and go back if you want.” He says after a few minutes of Callum just standing there frozen. His face is deathly serious – Callum must look like he’s seen a ghost, judging by the way Ben is looking at him.

“No.” The word is firm and immediate, despite how he feels – it’s not fear but it’s… something. Something Callum can’t quite make sense of. But he doesn’t wait for Ben to check up on him again, to double check then triple check; he just forces himself to move, determined now. He heads for the barriers, trusting Ben will follow, and manages to get through them without fumbling his Oyster Card. But his determination wanes just before he makes it out onto the street, and he stands frozen again, just shy of the threshold. Ben stands at his side, still not saying a word. He waits, yet again.

Callum takes a breath.

“Alright.” He says, turning to Ben, who already has his eyes on him. “Alright.”

Ben looks worried, but he smiles at him anyway – that soft smile that’s just for Callum. “Ready?”

Callum reaches out and slides his hand into Ben’s. He doesn’t know where the bravery comes from, but the need to touch Ben feels urgent and all-consuming; the need to feel his solid, grounding body under his hands. Ben doesn’t hesitate to link their fingers together and squeeze.

“Now I’m ready.”

Ben smiles at him again, easier this time. “Come on then.”

Outside, the street is alight with colours and bodies. A few teenagers run past them, laughing, one with a bisexual pride flag flowing behind them like a cape. There’s music coming from somewhere, cheering coming from somewhere else – from everywhere, all around them. Callum sees baby in a pram holding his own tiny flag, waving the stick sharply up and down; an old lady in a wheelchair, laughing so loud it cuts through the sound of everything else; a guy in heels, head and shoulders above everyone else on the street. And right in front of them are two men, holding hands, just waiting to cross the road. Holding hands, just like Ben and Callum are.

Callum can do nothing but stand there for a moment, watching it all.

“Parade’s that way,” Ben shouts, leaning closer just to be heard over the noise. Callum looks in the direction Ben’s pointing, then looks all around them, everywhere. No one, not _one_ person is looking at him. No one is paying him any attention at all, “or we can go find a bar or something. Or we can- Callum?”

Something inside Callum has broken; burst right open like an overblown balloon. It’s something that had been building inside him for a while now. And the break feels like popping a joint, maybe, or stretching a muscle – for a moment it hurts, but then the relief comes. It feels better now.

Ben snaps into action quickly, huddling Callum closer to the wall and trying to shield him from the street with his own body, to block out whatever it is that upset him. His free hand moves restlessly in the air, like he wants to touch but doesn’t want to make it worse, while his other continues to hold tightly to Callum’s own. “Fuck, Callum, don’t cry.” He begs, his own voice tight. “We haven’t even made it to Trafalgar Square yet.” That startles a laugh out of Callum, his head tipping back. He holds it there, as if gravity will force his tears back into his eyes. The sky is bright blue above them, he realizes. “Do you want to go? We can go right now; we’ll be home in an hour, Cal, I promise-”

“No.” His voice is rough, so he clears his throat, tries again. “No, I don’t want to go.” Ben just stares at him, distressed. Callum tries to smile. “They’re happy tears, I think.”

“You think?”

Callum looks back at the street over Ben’s shoulder. The cheers have got louder, as has the music. The Parade must be going past somewhere nearby. “I’ve just- I’ve been missing out, haven’t I?”

Ben’s whole body softens and sways towards him at that, almost like it tried to get closer to Callum without him having any control over it. Like there’s gravity between them. Callum feels it too, the desire to just fall into Ben’s arms and stay there, but he’s glad Ben has stuck to his promise – if he had tried to hug him now, he really might just burst into tears. And right now it feels like if he started crying, he’d never stop.

“You’re here now,” Ben tells him gently, voice barely audible over the noise, “that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Callum pulls his gaze away from Ben and takes a deep breath; nods to himself, swallows, then nods some more, surer this time. When he smiles, it doesn’t wobble.

“Right then- come on,” Callum says, walking out of the shadow of the building and into the sun, pulling Ben along with him, “lead the way; show me the sights. I’ve got some catching up to do, haven’t I?”

Ben can only stare at him for a moment, his expression undecipherable. He seems rooted to the spot like Callum was before. But then a smile blooms across his face, slowly; one full of disbelief. He almost looks like he could burst into tears of his own, and Callum can’t help but laugh. He feels almost giddy now. Weightless. Untouchable.

And then he suddenly comes to the realization that he doesn’t been Ben to show him the way, to walk him through this. He can do it himself. He doesn’t need to hold anybody’s hand.

He belongs here.

Callum turns and starts walking, one foot in front of the other, his hold on Ben’s hand firm as guides them both through the street.

Somewhere, people have begun cheering again. He walks towards the sound of it.

**Author's Note:**

> i have not cranked out a fic like this in YEARS man i had so much fun, so i hope you enjoyed it too!!
> 
> come talk to me @sunsetsover on tumblr!!
> 
> comments/kudos are always appreciated <3


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